My Last Dance

I dreamt last night.

I dreamt about my 4th year dance competition.
The one where we ended up 3rd place, if I remember it right..
I remember the cheers in the cramped gymnasium..
I remember the wild beating of my heart, out of nervousness or adrenaline, I can't tell..
I remember the white gloves, top hat and the 'suplado' look that we were asked to wear..
I remember the practices where I rarely said a thing, no protests from me..
I remember myself thinking that my classmates would probably think I'll start another revolution among the guys..
I remember the wooden staff covered in electrical tape that we used as a prop (I do hope it's still at home)..
I remember the look my partner gave me as a part of the dance..
I remember it all..

I have been wondering all those time why the f*** am I dancing..
I sure didn't want to win.. I mean, I never really cared about winning or not and it was quite uncomfortable for me seeing my other classmates cry right after performing because they knew we didn't stand a chance in winning.. I never really cared..
It's not a cream1-cream2 hate relationship either.. my girlfriend's in the other class so I really can't completely hate that section, can I? (Though I admit, I have dislike for the section at one point in time) /hate would be a too powerful word/
It's not because we paid either..

I guess because it was my last year and I said to myself that I'm not going down without a fight..
I knew I gave my best.. gave my all..
I did not protest.. I did not do anything to distract or delay any practices.. I even helped the others learn the step..
I think I wanted to leave a legacy.. I wanted to leave a legacy for myself..
That one day, I can say to myself, I danced as if my life depended on it..

I really loved dancing after all..
and I still do.

Memories of Our Last Dance.
This is for you Matulungin 05-06

02.02.2007 Problems

In our daily lives, we have problems. Problems with the family, with friends, with society, with school, with the neighbourhood, with the jeepney driver, with the bus driver, with the sorbetero, with the aso, etc. So, what's the point of this? Nothing really. Just want to tell of a problem that I had.

About exactly a week ago, me and my host mom went to the AFS office in Oslo to talk with the "boss" there. Apparently, my host mom talked with the chief directly because she's having "problems" with me. Coincidentally, I'm having problems with her too because she has problems with me. All this time, I thought that the problem was, in her opinion, I don't have enough friends (which is quite weird because she's not me and she does not have any grounds to tell me that I don't have enough friends. Imagine a person telling you that you don't have enough friends. *sweatdrop*) (and though it's "in her opinion", it is as if she's forcing me to make friends. I guess I need to rephrase that. "In her orders, I need to make friends because she thinks I don't have enough." - more like that.)

It turned out, the problem was, apparently, I was using too much PC (based on the sounds from the ceiling, as she claimed.) First of all, after christmas vacation, I took my PC inside its box and left it downstairs (according to earlier orders.) It looks like she has been using her mouth more often than her eyes, as the majority of human beings nowadays. Now, as logic follows, how can I use the PC too much when I am sitting in my room and all my access to PC use is downstairs? And how can one base assumptions of PC-use with sounds coming from the ceiling (due to the constant movement of my rolling chair)? For the past 3 weeks, I have not been able to use the PC at home for more than 10 minutes a day. You call that using the PC too much?!

Second problem: Social Life
As I said above, in her opinion, I did not have enough friends.
Defense:
A. There's no other person in the world that can tell you that you don't have enough friends.
B. The people in my school is of the rich-snobby-spoiled type and in no way possible to get inside friend circles (except for those few who beg to differ which I thankfully got inside to)
C. I'm not the kind of person that goes out and says hi to a stranger. That's just not completely right. I can get by with talking with a few people, even with none.

So, all in all, I won the case.

PS. The stories are a bit biased on my part but I tried to keep it as objective as possible. If it was quite biased, you cannot do anything about it because I own the blog. (Unless you can hack into it and deface it, though it is not worth the effort because I don't have that big reader-base.)

02.02.2007 Things

I've always knew that I was a perfectionist. That I always wanted to be the perfect person for everyone. That's why I try to be the best in everything that I do. And if I don't make it, I get depressed. That's why for the past few years, I have been depressed most of the time. Because in my quest to make everyone happy, to make everyone like me, I ended up with nobody noticing me. I've always wanted to be somebody. Or at least, that somebody would appreciate me. But my problem with me is that 1 is not enough. nor 2. nor 3. nothing is enough for me. I never get contented. which is really weird because I've always thought that I'm contented in life, which I am but at some point, I'm not. In short, I'm weird.

This is just a rant so don't bother reading it.
If you read through it, you would realize that you just wasted about 3 minutes of your life reading.
Thank you.

02.02.2007 Social Activity Week: Children

Background:
The Social Activity Week is a week held by AFS in some countries (usually 1st world countries) wherein the students get permission to not go to school and, instead, work in the neighbourhood voluntarily. (i.e. without pay)



Today was the last day of my so-called "work" with the nearby children's school. I worked with the 3rd grade (8-9 yrs. old) and with the SFO (I don't really know what it means but it's where the children stay and just play while waiting for their parents to come and pick them up.) It was fun while it lasted. I get to see how the norwegian educational system functions and at the same time, I got to be with children. (I guess it's safe to say that I became a child again.) I drew a lot of things, mostly dragons because of special requests. I went skating with them (where they taught me things), and, all in all, had a good time with them. Sure, it's a lil' bit tiring, with all the screaming, running, crying, asking, talking, etc., that they do but, nonetheless, it was fun.

I guess I love kids. (Not that I would love to have one though.) It kept me wondering, how do they think at their age? I could not remember how I thought when I was small. It was a bit odd because, now that I think about it, I had almost the same line of thought since I was grade 5 but beyond that, I could not remember anymore. I hope that when these kids grow up, they would come to remember me and the one week that I spent with them. If they don't, at least, I know that I would come to remember it all. I guess children are as complicated as adults and, in fact, more dangerous. I feared for the entire week that anything that I might have influenced them would, in a way, affect their entire selves until they grow up and the thought is really sinister. I mean, I never knew how I grew up this way. It could've been my own circle of thoughts or it could have been an outside influence, I don't know. And as I looked among these children, there are a lot of them where I can see myself in and I wonder who they would become as a 17 year old teenager. Would they follow their own nature? or would they go with the flow? Who knows.

But, nonetheless, I would say that they have touched me. And I would hope that I touched them.

I guess it's my thing where I make all simple things complex. It's just me.